On Hold

                "Uhhhh!" Sarah yelled as she threw a particularly bright red plastic cup across the living room, hitting the wall with a loud clunk. Jeremy, who was absorbed in his final research paper of the semester, jumped. 
                "Oh, Sarah!" He said, closing his laptop and placing it under the coffee table for safe keeping. Sarah was known to throw anything within her grasp and at quite an impressive velocity.

                "Come on, sis. Jeremy said as he softly, but firmly grabbed her by the arms and walked her to her room as she groaned. A situation like that could go south very fast if not interrupted, something Jeremy learned over and over again with his autistic sister. She was non-verbal and needed a lot of gentle attention to calm her sensitivity to sounds, sights, textures, anything she perceived with her senses that might overwhelm her. Her condition demanded constant supervision.

                Sarah's room was very tidy, no litter on the aqua-coloured carpet, well-groomed lavender linen with white teddy bears and toy bunnies resting on the pillows, a small desk with some crayons for colouring, a few textured stress balls, and a hamper with Sarah's dirty clothes near the exit. Aside from sleeping, this was her recovery room to prevent or manage a meltdown.

                "Look at this, Sarah," Jeremy said as he showed her a yellow and blue toy made of connected small, soft beads. Sarah took the toy, threw it into the hallway, and immediately started pounding her head with her fist as she yelled at the top of her lungs. Jeremy pulled her into his chest and wrestled her arms away from her head, getting bitten in the process. He shut his eyes for a few seconds to calm the bubbling feeling in his head and stomach. Anxiety had been building up the past few days and not just over finals. He was getting ready to move on.

                Once Sarah had stopped trying to hit herself, Jeremy let go.

                "How about we just lay down for a while?" He said, shutting the blinds. This removed shadows cast in the room as well as the overwhelming brightness of daylight, much to Sarah's relief. He walked back to her and laid down, making sure not to move around too much. Sarah was still kicking, but no longer hitting herself, so Jeremy let it go.

                It was getting darker in the room and Sarah was examining the squishy toy she threw out of the room earlier, but Jeremy was still in the bed, having gazed at the ceiling for over an hour. Sarah may have recovered, but the bubbling in his head had grown worse. It felt like tiny bugs were swimming through his veins and trying to take over his brain, a feeling he associated with anxiety. For seven years, he had been taking care of Sarah. Seven years he gave up his personal life, said goodbye to his friends or the other way around, left his girlfriend, quit pursuing his dream of being an architect, and devoted his life to taking care of his younger sister. Yet the thought of leaving her in a facility, if he could even get her a room in one, wrenched his heart like a wet rag and made him nauseous.

                He could barely remember what life was like before his sister (he was five when she was born) but he remembers it was a simpler time for everyone. His parents would take him swimming at the lake in summer and he would splash around in the water for what seemed like hours until his dad or mom suggested ice-cream and hot dogs for dinner. After brushing his teeth and a hot bath, his mom would tuck him in and sing him songs till he fell asleep, warm and quiet. But then Sarah was born and they stopped going to the beach. They tried once, but Sarah had a meltdown and cut her lip on a rock, smearing blood all over her face as she lashed out. The image never left Jeremy's mind, his sister crying, screaming, bleeding; his parents, a nervous wreck.

                "Uh," Sarah said, having walked over to Jeremy. She was holding the textured toy in her hands near Jeremy's face. Jeremy took the ball and smiled. The bubbling feeling had disappeared, leaving a heat in his chest that wasn't there a moment ago.

                "Thank you, Sarah," he said, sitting up and giving her a hug. "Do you want some dinner?"

                "Uhhh," she said, jerking her head around in a way Jeremy learned to interpret as a yes.

                "How about some ice-cream and hot dogs?"

Standing up, he placed his arm around Sarah and walked with her to the kitchen.