That night I felt sick. I was dating a boy named P.J, who I really wasn't interested in, but he was popular so that was good. I wanted to be popular after not being for my whole life at school. Now I was the sexy, daring girl and I liked that people thought I was a but un-touchable and mysterious. Libby, Kira, and Alyssa were going to sleep over, but Alyssa was the ring leader and the cool girl because she did drugs and drank alcohol. The fact that she had depression added to her complexity and made everyone want to be around her. We decided to go walk to meet her crush, Jake, who lived 10+ miles away, but we were only 14 and couldn't drive, so we decided to walk. We left at 11:45pm and made it to Kowalski's at midnight. They let us buy food and eat there. I think the boy who worked there thought we were cute. We left and continued walking and talking about 14 year old girl stuff, I guess. I don't remember what. I was wearing Vans, which are horrible for walking in especially long distance and I was dressed to score a date more than be warm, but that's just what we all did back then. I knew something was up with me because I was slightly dizzy.
I am Datable
That night I felt sick. A fever had nestled in my head
like a grey mattress taken over by elevated temperature and numbness,
slowing traffic of electric neurons to the frontal lobe,
a center still under construction. The fire-pit,
heat grabbing at my knees, blew smoke over my eyes
with a behind-the-stage nonchalance one might expect from Prince.
Yet the stone slate under me pierced my bottom with a pained cold,
freezing bone and little fat I had.
My red headed, lanky boyfriend
played the deep rumble of Chocolate Rain inside to his friends, not mine,
warm and secret away from heavy smoke,
freezing slates.
His presence was an accent,
a fashionable trophy signifying my victory,
a plaque reading "I AM DATABLE" we both received
as a result of our union,
but he was inside, with his friends,
laughing over flickering lights and CRT screens
and I was outside, with my friends,
complaining about smoke, heat, and cold.
I don't see too much sound in this poem- not that I caught anyways. No alliteration or assonance. Line breaks seem natural. I'm really kind of confused about the scene of it I guess. I don't quite understand where you are or what's going on. The whole first stanza doesn't really seem to make sense with the rest of it. I think if you just work on clarifying the poem a bit more- more scene and imagery and this would be really good! I do like the idea of it and your like "His presence was an accent, a fashionable trophy signifying my victory." Awesome, just love that line!
ReplyDeleteThe line breaks don't make much sense to me hear, but I like the imagery. I like the descriptions you use, especially the idea that the poem gives towards an unhealthy relationship between this boy and girl. You have some very interesting phrases here, though you have repeated the word freezing twice. The poem would work still without the first stanza in it, the two parts seem almost stand alone and then pushed together.
ReplyDelete